So this baby we have over here has been aggravating lately. It’s normal/default/a given that she’s awesome, so when she’s aggravating, it sucks.

So this is the kind of writer I have become. ^^^

I don’t mind being this kind of mom (the kind who feels ambivalent about motherhood)—that just feels honest, even if I end up feeling like Ambivalent Moms are super rare, as rare as my Myers-Briggs personality type, and that I’m lucky that I know two others, even though that makes a total of three, which is a tiny number, and admitting that I’m having trouble being a happy mother feels really difficult. Sorry about the commas, have always had trouble.

This morning after having a moment of NNOOOO NOT ANOTHER DAY LIKE YESTERDAY (fussy baby all day, only happy when I was carrying her while walking, and finally slept at 5pm but only on my chest in rocking chair), I started reading about the Four-Month Growth Spurt and Sleep Regression. I won’t go into detail; suffice it to say that it appears my baby is normal, and these lame few weeks of bad sleep and surly dispositions won’t last for much longer. It’s all because she’s learning to roll over (done! she’s amazing at it, though she cries once she gets on her stomach—does this mean she’s working on learning what to do next? or she’s just sad that she can only roll over once? maybe she wants to roll down a hill in manner of older children?), and she’s also learning some hand-eye coordination. That grasping thing still eludes her. I guess it’ll click one day, kind of like rolling over did.

Anyways, before I read about this, I was considering just putting her in the car and driving around for a few hours so I could have some time without the baby on me, and so I could get out of the house and see some trees and sky. And drink a cup of coffee, a whole one, for God’s sake. You may ask, “Why don’t you put her in the carrier and take a walk at Ijams?” Because yesterday (or was it Monday?) I tried to put her in the carrier three times (fit check—haven’t put her in the Ergo in several weeks) and each time she spit up (a lot) on herself, me, and the carrier. I almost lost my mind. And I’m trying to carry and hold her in effort-saving ways because I have a repetitive stress injury in my left wrist/hand/forearm. (Called de Quervain’s tenosynovitis. Aka “mommy thumb” or “mother’s wrist.  Sigh.)

But WHAT. The baby got tired, went to sleep, and didn’t wake up when I put her in the swing. She’s been asleep for 15 minutes!

Ok while I was editing one of the above paragraphs she woke up! This is blogging, now. But she’s actually being pretty happy.

I don’t hate myself, or my baby; I hate 20 minute naps. Hate them like so much.

In order to not end blog on sour note, I will write briefly about my current pipe-dream, which is a new quilt! The quilt I made out of sentimental fabrics last year (or, whenever that was) is starting to show some wear on certain half-square triangles (the pale pink polka dotted one, too thin a fabric for quilting), so I want to make a new one real quick. A Nine-Patch, Irish Chain. We’ll see how it goes.

Guess who rolled over on her playmat and didn’t like it?

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