Très excited to get to that poll, at some point, but I have a few minutes right now, when I have to lie down because my back hurts, and I get to type on the computer because the baby is asleep.

Things are a bit rough. “Said all new parents ever.” We’re churning our way through the 4-month sleep regression with tenacity, finding a few things very helpful: during a series of naps Mary took last weekend I was able to make a chocolate stout cake from that amazing Epicurious recipe which has been co-opted by so many internetters, with some of Marshall’s well-aged imperial stout homebrew. It’s gorgeous and so, so good—the cake I’ve been daydreaming about ever since I found this amazing blog which has so many gorgeously-photographed cakes in it. Linda’s Instagram account is pure astonishment. The best thing I’ve found on Instagram, to date. Have I mentioned my sugar addiction? It’s still here.

Also, we’ve moved the baby to her own room in her own crib, which has let Marshall and I start to feel like friends again, rather than business partners. Or, enemies, or whatever. Ha. It’s great to get to sleep in a bed together again…even if it means that we have to get up and get her and then get up again to put her back. And we get to talk in bed without worrying that our voices or the bed or floorboards creaking will wake her up. Little things that remind us of the “old normal”…

Marshall’s tinnitus (constant, though the loudness varies) and less-frequent bouts of dizziness/unsteadiness, ear fullness, popping/crackling, fluctuating hearing loss in his left ear, and pulsatile tinnitus, ET CETERA, have amped up in the last few weeks, which has us on orange alert for another vertigo episode. The vertigo episode he had a month ago is only the second one he’s had, and it still feels pretty fresh. For him in an especially raw way. It’s hard to believe we have any kind of peaceful balance in our near future. No pun intended. But every few days we have a moment in which we come together and reaffirm some good things. Some serious eye contact. Apologies for meanness, when necessary. Usually a longish hug.

I have this thing that keeps me from blogging about life, now: good days are so, so good, and usually so full, that I know I would gush all over everything if I were to sit down with the laptop, which I never have time to do, anyway. And since there are so many bad days, I can’t decide if being glittery and effusive is an honest enough snapshot of our current life. But I don’t blog on the bad days, either, because it would be just too depressing to read. I would get as whiny as this post is, times a hundred.

Which is why I’m pretty much just Instagramming and writing emails to friends, these days. There’s an argument to be made, somewhere in the pile of self-criticism under my bed, that I should just write through these early days of new motherhood—write it all, the grim and grisly, the euphoric, the weepy—so I don’t lose the freshness of the experiences or get out of the writing habit & therefore stop writing completely & become that woman I never wanted to become. But—and this is hard to say—I can’t. I hope in a couple months things stabilize enough for me to start blogging / journaling regularly again, but for now, the experience of being utterly humbled by the experience of new motherhood is a little too fresh. I can’t do much with it yet but live it.

At least twenty-one people took my blog poll, so to you twenty-one stalwart readers: especially the parents or mothers among you: leave a note, if you’d like, about when you felt the “new normal” of new parenthood settle your family into a groove. I would love to hear. Was it sooner than you expected? Later? Did it creep up, or startle you with its abruptness?

.   .   .

Addendum: I know I said I’d write about the poll later, but I will say that only 2% of those polled wanted to see more “Posts that end with non-rhetorical questions, to boost reader interaction.” Hahahaha. So those who read that option and thought “eww”—you are not alone. I am, however, feeling quite alone these days, and would love just a SMALL tiny amount of reader interaction. Ergo, a post ending with a non-rhetorical question…

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