At this moment I’m having my second cup of coffee of the day—an unspeakable luxury. So unspeakable, I can only type it. The gods will not hear. They will not know.

I’m trying to change the way I think about my days. I’ve been consumed with thoughts of productivity, in a “what the hell did I get done today” kind of way, and rating myself on whether I can do something Spirit-filled (write, sing, pray, yoga, etc.), menial (laundry, change sheets, put on real clothes, vacuum, eat food), or just the bare minimum (keep baby clean and happy, keep self from becoming deranged). This is itself, I’m starting to see, insanity. The end result is a few things done, a few things half-done, and me a stewy bitch come dinnertime. Which I rein in like an amazing human being, for the most part. But I can see that I’m a big part of why I’m not really enjoying life, these days.

I don’t know how to balance my life, really—and I realize that’s ok. I realize that new parenthood is having balance continually knocked off-center. Tough to accept; tough to look at my life, compare it to others’ lives, and think “This is going great,” even when that’s the case.

So, as always, and as long as the baby remains asleep, a list:

1. I made curtains for our bedroom windows & the living room windows. (Transporting self and baby [in fragile sleep-state] to two thrift stores in search of white bedsheets to cut up was exciting let me tell you. SO worth it.)
2. The attic fly problem is almost gone.
3. I found two roly-polies in the house today.
4. I got started on new baby books, with a doe and fawn for the covers.
5. I listened to a Radiolab episode today, which I used to do all the time while working on leather. It was sweet, albeit interrupted several times by fitful baby.
6. I guess she’s teething, now. I feel bad for her. She’s a really positive-minded baby, so it sucks to see her dealing with sore gums.
7. Spring is probably coming. We’ve had warm rain—which, along with the crocus, hyacinth, and daffodil, is one of the Harbingers of Spring.
8. I’m looking for a dress to wear in Carla’s wedding, and everything is just too beautiful. Will I be able to wear anything beautiful? I keep seeing dresses that I love for too much money. Free People is the worst. Worse than Anthropologie, with whom I’m becoming disenchanted, actually. (All the prints, ugh.) I’ve spent many hours minutes looking through the Free People website, and have found a dress and a pair of boots which I then proceeded to dream about. Unattainable. I told Marshall about them, using the word ‘unattainable,’ and he mocked my pain.
9. Since I’m breastfeeding, I can’t diet. Which bodes well for my chocolate addiction, and ill for my ability to wear a pretty dress come May. But, as Marshall keeps reminding me, spring is probably coming. At which time I can get active again.
10. Absolutely cannot believe the baby has just slept an hour and a half, allowing me to make and drink a second cup of coffee, create templates for the deer baby books, and type out a partially-coherent blog post.
11. I meant for this list to be a list of things I’m making a point to enjoy, or that I’m looking forward to, not just a list of things.
12. Something I need: Shiva Rea’s postnatal yoga DVD. I so loved her prenatal one, and I feel like doing her postnatal practice semi-regularly would be another Harbinger of Spring. My body needs sunlight, I need sunlight, everything needs to be doused, soaked, annihilated with days and days and days of gold gold sun. Yoga—especially guided by people like Shiva Rea—has been, from the first time I did a downward dog, prayer. I need it. All these things.