I have a more debilitating case of being over school than I did as a senior in college.  This weekend, which I’d optimistically set aside for writing the introduction to my thesis, has been kind of spent riding roller coasters.  I ecstatically skipped almost everything academic that I had planned for yesterday, and mostly just hung out with Marshall, and I had so much fun.  We made a righteously greasy breakfast, walked it off at Ijams, got Goodfellas and watched it while eating more great food.  I had this feeling that I was finishing school well, and was pretty well-prepared for my defense (in one a half weeks).

And then after going to bed that night, I laid awake for about three hours trying to make my heart beat less fast.  I wandered around the dark house in my fuzzy robe, looking out of the windows, listening to the sad sound of the interstate. 

Today, in order to get myself in the state of mind out of which can come thesis introductions, I probably cried for about 45 minutes, wondering how to organize all these muscle systems so that I could get out of bed. I finally got myself to Java, where I have made an outline of my introduction, and where I think brain chemicals are balancing themselves out again—somewhere between confident and despairing.  Not sure why I feel the need to tell the internet all this, except that hunkering down, these past two months, has been an irritatingly lonely business, and the internet is a receptacle for loneliness, these days.

A word for encouragement for myself, this gray Sunday:  Anything I accomplish today is a victory, even if it’s only exercising the willpower to get out of bed and go to the coffeeshop.  And write an outline.  Three individual victories, there.

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