It’s been an odd week.  Late last week, Marshall started having some dizziness, lightheadedness, and really slight nystagmus (learned this word just a few days ago), and after a couple days of that, he started having a feeling of fullness in his ear, tinnitus, and had some hearing loss.  Since his dad has Ménière’s disease (an untreatable inner ear disease, which is fairly terrifying & life changing), the anxiety that this could be an inner ear issue has pretty much been sitting on our roof for the past six or seven days.

It’s looking, now, like it’s only a middle ear infection, but we’re still waiting for the ENT appointment.  And even though lots of the other symptoms have subsided, he still hears a loud ringing in his ears, which makes getting to sleep (and staying asleep) difficult.  So we’re kinda exhausted, out here.  But—I am always amazed by the place that this kind of fear can take us to.  We’ve been in tears and depressed—comes with the territory—but we’re only being broadened, really, by all the uncertainty.

For me, it takes something like this to remind me that I’ll never be in control of my life (in a sense), and the future is just a glinting haze of uncertainty.  And I don’t mean for either of those to sound dreadful, because it’s freeing to remember those things.  Since I also have a few solid reasons to think that God is there, and is taking care of us.  And one of those reasons  is that Marshall’s dad has had his life changed first by Ménière’s, and then by God—he’s like a blinking, blazing marquee, to me, that says: God is still doing stuff in the world.  Unbelievably reassuring.  And of course everything that happens in my life makes me love Julian of Norwich more; and I think “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well” is an incredible inscription for a gravestone.  And letterpress cards, etc.

So there’s an update.  In other news, all I want—I don’t even need to graduate on time, or pass my defense—all I want is some pretty glass kitchen canisters for my flours and sugars.  It’s seriously all I think about.  I long, I ache, I pine.

 

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