Yes, I’m afraid.  It’s true.  While grading annotated bibliographies today—and this means a lot of Googling—I looked up an article one of my students is using in her final essay: “Harry Potter: Enemy of God.”

After an initial cold sweat, I had a hot sweat.  Cause I thought I loved both Harry Potter and God.  I mean.  Also I thought Harry Potter was a fictional character.

Since she didn’t cite it correctly, I had to do a little digging, and found that it was posted on a South Carolina seminary website with lists of articles/essays by various bishops, reverends, and what-have-you.  After seventeen more cold sweats and fourteen hot ones, I’ve decided to share some titles with you.  I’m not only afraid to read these things, I’m afraid to even click on them (even though I’m a very curious person), which means they are not links.  Which means they are very far away, and can’t find you.  Seriously.  There’s no way they can find you.

If anyone has nightmares after reading this, tell me and I’ll delete this post.  Actually, no, I would probably just write about it.  So, if you have nightmares, make sure you tell me.  Behold:

“Sin Out of Control”
“Homophobic, Politically Correct, or Anti-Sin?”
“Homosexuality: The Alternate Death Style”
“Vaccination: The Ungodly Practice”
“The State of Washington Slaps God in the Face”
“Census Bureau Pimps Turn the American People into Information Whores”
“Healthcare Trickery & Scottish Wimpery”
“Majority of Americans Endorse Bastard Parenthood”
“Apostates Devise New Ways to Spoil Everyone’s Christmas”
“Obama Nazifies Christmas”
“Those Deliberately Playing in Traffic Should Get Run Over”

On an equally-serious note, I have to allow that these people are incredible title-crafters.  Almost as good as the people at The Onion.  I can n.e.v.e.r. come up with titles as good as these.  So, maybe I’ll borrow a couple for some of my poems.  Some of my favorite phrases:  “alternate death style,” “Scottish wimpery,” “nazifying.”