Finally some dust is beginning to settle.  I taught my first full class session last week — went well — and am gaining confidence as a tutor in the Writing Center.  I’ve always eschewed the “fake it till you make it” wisdom, but no longer.  Standing in front of a class or reading a student’s paper while she waits is becoming an exercise in acting, not so much an exercise in … whatever else I thought it was.  I mean, for the most part I know what the hell I’m talking about, but my social/performance/general anxiety is such that I need some confidence to be able to bring it out.  I’m developing my academic persona.  Which is startlingly like my own self, but more confident.  Kind of an absurd amount.  I guess this is how they all do it, eh?  My mentor, Dr. Sheffield, says yes.

This confidence is spilling over into my grad classes, too.  Which mostly means that instead of furiously pedaling to keep up with the pack, I’m setting my own pace.  And not falling too far behind.  This week in Postcolonial our readings were amped up to 325 pages and I have somehow gracefully gotten it done early.  Other things — not done so gracefully.  But for the most part I’m managing my lit readings, TA responsibilities, tutoring, and writing pretty well.  Since all my “serious” stuff is coming up in the next month (two bibliographies, two seminar papers, two presentations), I’m assuming this is the calm before the next storm, but I’m just relieved that (I think) I have finally adjusted to school life.  How long did that take, two months?

And writing: after the gentle (& perhaps unconscious) rebuke from my workshop leader, I have been constructing a room, again, in my mind, for writing.  I’ve been cultivating stillness again, have been noticing beautiful things again, on purpose.  Considering these disciplines more important than pedaling furiously to keep up with the pack.  This is what I’ve done (almost) all my life anyway, right?  Fall behind the group, leaving them to talk among themselves while I stop, pick up some bit of something from the grass, look at it so closely that the noise of people and their marching is lost up ahead?  Hm.  Something like that.  At any rate, I’m pursuing the writerly consciousness.  And (shockingly!) have been writing.

P.S.  I got off Facebook because I would find myself spending AN HOUR just browsing around, while I for real needed to be working on school stuff, and while I was not on Facebook, I felt the line between us grow taut … wondering what other people were doing and saying.  My social life is cramped, very very cramped, right now, and this was the easiest possible way to fill in some of that social hunger, but really, I always logged out feeling like my life sucked and everyone else’s life was incredibly awesome.  I’m starting to think that e-social networking is the kind of thing I’ll boomerang into and out of until I learn to stabilize myself socially.  Somehow blogging is different, though, and I’m not sure why.  This would be fascinating to study.  I’m sure people are writing their dissertations on stuff like this RIGHT NOW.

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