Speaking of narrow escapes, when I called this morning to set up a payment plan for the $585 ultrasound I had last month, they said that I did have a discount of 90%, and the bill had just been sent out before the discount had been applied.  Now I just have to pay $58.50, oh so sweet small numbers, triply good because I’m starting to pay on my Stafford loans next month.  I’ve been doing calculations and figured that I will have about $50 a month to burn, and when I say burn I mean like, buy food and gas.  If you can imagine me smiling right now, do it, because I am smiling.  God has fed me like Elijah, with ravens, and now is never more difficult than any previous moment.  It’s going to be a good day.

I’m listening to Iron & Wine’s “Someday the Waves” and looking out at all the sunlight.  I’m listening to the Lord, these days, and coming back to some stillness of soul.  Still coming back, still slowly.  Katie’s in Bogota, today, Natalie’s at the courthouse, today, and I am remembering the surprise of reading Song of Solomon last night and realizing that I was a delight to God.  This realization, that someone’s “desire is toward me” brings a wind and my sails are luffing, flapping, filling with a breeze and lifting off the surface of the water, flinging drops like diamonds into the air and pushing the canvas into a firm bow, pulling the boat, moving.  Distance is so hard to understand, but it’s easier because in spite of the unknowable distance between us and God, there is no distance between us.  In the sense that I can never enter or leave His presence; I can only ignore or attend.  Somehow.  I don’t know how.

Clothes I wore to AB’s last night still smell like smoke, and I still see her sitting in her chair as we were leaving.  Dimmest sadness but not hanging onto us, as a younger person might have, not asking any favors or for any understanding.  Getting old must mean an enormous amount of containment, and I can be ok with that.  Perhaps.

So what’s it going to be like, moving away again?  I still don’t have any feeling for this, like it’s a numb limb.  When will feeling start creeping in?

P.S.  The ultrasound results came on a little blue card a couple days ago:  “Your ultrasound on 12/28/09 has been reported to us showing completely negative [results] with absent right ovary.  Great news!”

Advertisements