November is my birthmonth, June is the current month, and all these notes are flying around in the air like the sun filling all the air in the world, today, even the small pieces of cubic inches square in shadow, underneath leaves. Natalie gave me the black swimsuit she got in the mail yesterday that didn’t fit and has gone out of the house with Mrs. Dalloway and a towel, bound for some piece of water and some piece of sun.  I am bound for some piece of forest, or some clearing in the forest where I’ll meet the known and the unknown, I know this because I’ve been reading Wendell Berry poetry and sitting up late on the back porch and talking about things no one knows anything about except yourself, after you weigh everything a hundred thousand times and decide to go ahead.  because you thought weighing it would give you an idea of its safety or sureness, and weighing it over and over would show you the flaws, if there were any.  and because after you step out somewhere, you know where you are only because you are there.

I have questions, a hundred thousand questions that I can’t think of, but I know they’re there, there in the same box I kept the answers to those other questions.  I can look out the window, now, and see a lifting of my own heart out there and that’s something unusual and everyone’s going to the beach and I’m waiting to hear, waiting to hear, waiting to hear.  bidden or not, God is present in the doorways of my mind and seems to be as gentle as I cannot imagine with me.  I never wanted to be alone, even when I was a kid I wanted my sisters sleeping with me in our room and I have lived a long time alone with a preoccupation with both the silence of my life when I wasn’t talking and the voice of God in the silence of my life.  I want to do things like learn, to run, to sprint, to play piano, guitar, to not be afraid anymore, to be brought to some place with a forgotten garden and to bring it to remembrance with pruning shears and turning over soil and the kiss of my hands on everything that needs the kiss of my hands.

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