It’s 10:14 a.m. and I’m remembering some moments from yesterday that stand up all by themselves, some moments from several days ago.  This is a grand place that I live, duplex with large windows and white window- and door-frames.  I have a list of things to do, which includes working on the baby book, writing letters, making small lovely things for some friends, having M over and working on the journal that will have mountain laurel stitched on the brown leather cover.  I’m working at Jordan’s duplex tomorrow and have all day today to be amazed at the space in my soul, the space I suddenly have to live, to think about the way the light comes in the windows and hits the blue walls of my room, to think about how in the world I’m going to stake my tomatoes (no idea).

I have to document.  I have to record the fact that I had coffee this morning and the curtains were pulled back in gorgeous draping shapes, shade & shadow, so light, clean, airy.  I have to record the fact that I’m listening to Feist’s The Reminder and wearing houseshoes.  I have to say something about the bird feathers that we found sprinkled throughout the living room this morning, no bird attached.  I have to say something about how much I want my life to be this exciting, flashing thing that catches everyone’s eye and rushes through the world like a storm, or some kind of royal procession, I want the things I consider and do to mean something profound.  I guess I say this all the time, but living in a season that requires patience means that this comes up a lot, maybe every day I wonder whether this time of my life is growing anything that will last or become beautiful.  I think it is, I think it will, but it seems like all I can do is wander out to water my herbs, tomatoes, flowers and look at the sky.  Which is like a city, which is always (on stormy weekends like this one) like cities of clouds moving on over our heads, thinking their own thoughts, doing their own business, caring about their own missions.

I saw Candace last night at Remedy, and she had her baby with her.  Of course.  Now that so many people I know have babies I’m starting to be afraid of it.  Now that it’s more possible and less a daydreamy kind of thing, I’m reconsidering.  It will change your life, and I don’t want my life to keep changing.  I want it to stay the same for a little while, I want to get my bearings and follow some path with some peace of mind for a while.  She was so beautiful, tired eyes and pale face, so beautiful, so beautiful and she had a baby, that is hers, that lives with her and is hers.  She takes a stroller with her and a bag of diapers and wipes and such, but mostly she takes the baby with her, and is so thin and tiny like a fairy, and is so beautiful.  She seems soberer than before, still cheery, but soberer.  It will change your life.

Which reminds me of the song, change, you don’t want to waste your life.  I’m going to be ready to do whatever, even though I’m not ready at all.  I’m going to open my life again, I’m going to go ahead and turn over my soil again.  Which is what this post is about, I guess, in its retardedness.

1:29 p.m. update:

I found all kinds of photos of button quail chicks and walked to Kroger for milk and sugar (planning to make cornbread for lunch) — not sure why I feel the need to update my blog about this except that today is special and I want you to know about it — and saw a HUGE mound of almond boxes that said $2.99!  A whole bag of almonds for $2.99 … my  luckiest day of all time!  They appear to be kind of a little mouse-eaten, but I can’t believe they would sell almonds that were mouse-eaten, so I’m just not going to think about it, and throw away the ones that look downright gnawed.  Am I freaking anybody out?  What are the diseases people catch from mice, besides the Plague?

I have to say something!  About baking!  It’s this!  I have MISSED IT!  Being too poor to even buy milk or eggs is ok for a while, but then you start to parch and starve in your soul.  Making money this week has been a little liberating and I’m daydreaming today about biscotti, biscuits, muffins, cornbread.  Fritters.  Crumb cake.  Etc.  Anyways.  Now to work on the button quail!

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