This morning I woke up to Natalie tapping on my door, sticking her head in and telling me that Joel was downstairs and couldn’t breathe and that I might want to take him to the doctor or emergency room.  I am cheerful in the morning.  (thanks, Lord.)  We got in the car and after talking to Mom we ended up going to Fort Sanders West, where we got taken care of.  he has walking pnuemonia, aggravated awfully by asthma and by smoking a pack a day.  We got out of there with a chest x-ray, a breathing treatment, and a prescription for an antibiotic, steroids, and albuterol inhalers … all of which he got except for the inhalers … for $75.  this is amazing, because Joel is insuranceless, jobless, and homeless.  um, God takes care. 

Then I came home and Joel slept on the couch and I got a call from my boss who really wants to take care of me…but really needs me to cut down to two days a week.  so I called MORE places to see if anyone was hiring (this is so lame to have to do), and I’ve got a “maybe” from two.  God takes care.  I got an ultrasound last week, and I’m supposed to hear back from them tomorrow about what they think is going on.  they think I have some kind of cyst or something.  God takes care.  now my whole body aches and I really really really don’t want to be sick… …and evicted, and homeless, and friendless, and helpless, and hopeless… …and I know in a deeper way than I’ve known anything up to this point that God is taking care.

it’s undeniable.  so, here I am, wondering if I will ever be able to see the world, pay off my loans, find true love, find a job that makes me thrive instead of die, come to see my gifts matured and grown into gardens of goodness, just…find a place to live in the world, a place for me, myself, … … and I can’t believe anything else but that God is coming through for me.  or, rather, He’s coming through for His own story that He wrote of my life, the story that began with the day of my birth and leads in all colors toward suffering and the fine work of pain, the work that opens into vistas on the other side. 

more than I want to know what’s next in life for me, I want Christ.  more than I want financial and physical and emotional security, more than I want my tall dark handsome, I want Christ.  this isn’t me wanting lovely worship services (although obviously those are lovely)…this is me wanting, thirsting in a deeper way than I’ve ever thirsted for water…iced tea…this is me pining for the cemented trust of Him that I’ve seen grow in other friendships.  this is so hard.  but pining is the right word.  the realest thing I have found in my life (I know I’m just a kid) is what happens when I set my life in what may be a black hole, or may be the secret life of the universe.  which is Christ.  wasn’t Tolstoy’s final test whether that belief brought life, or death?  in the midst of my living, which is only getting harder, I am living.  so alive.  God came through for me so many times; he’s coming through now.  I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.

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