what if God knew what He was doing, me not doing a hundred things I thought I would be doing, doing a hundred things a didn’t think I would do?  anyway the day is leaving the foyer, it’s walking down the hall, turning the lights off on its way.  I want to be somewhere else, like in this picture I found on one of those Tumblr blogs, of a girl who is extraordinary like I want to be, of a field of desire.  I watched Big Fish and remembered eternity in the last scenes, when the old father is carried through a crowd of everyone he ever loved, everyone who ever loved him, and is coming to know that everything he did mattered, every word he said and gesture of his eyes or hand in a conversation.

Calvin (of Bill Watterson) said once that he didn’t know which would be more terrifying, to find out that everything mattered, or that nothing did. the thought that there’s a possibility that nothing matters terrifies me, but the thought that all the things I lost or left or couldn’t defend are waiting somewhere … it’s the thought of space, an expansion that includes, it pulls the lungs down with the force of something greater than gravity and draws the air in.  and it’s only when I’m stuck in rooms with no windows that I realize the windows are in my mind, that I can remember eternity without that help.  I need something beautiful, today.  I need to someway catch the day, walk with the day down the hall and turn off the lights myself.

there is a speed that is only imaginary; life is not running away from me if I start the evening with it and keep it close to me, on purpose.  life is not something you wanted, or the printed page of all your conflicting desires … it’s encased in your body, and you bring it where you are.  I will bring my life with me where I go now and it will assume my colors, not the other way round, and this is something God is saying.  just to say.